Frog and Toad Ride the Subway

Frog and Toad live in the city. Like many city-dwellers (and most amphibious creatures, for that matter!), neither one of them makes very much money and therefore must use the subway as their primary mode of transportation. Both Frog and Toad have used the trains every day for many years.

But their behavior in the subway could not be more different; indeed, it is a study in opposites! While Frog is a good commuter who is respectful and considerate toward the other vertibrates around him, Toad is a selfish prick who constantly causes problems.

For instance, when Frog enters the subway from street level, he descends the stairs quickly, because he's got places to go and doesn't want to waste other people's time.

Toad, on the other hand, lethargically drags his ass at a snail's pace, occupying the exact center of the stairs, so that no one can get past him. But, wait -- there's a train coming! -- doesn't he want to catch it?

Apparently not. Toad seems to actually move slower than before! Now he has caused himself -- and everyone walking behind him -- to miss the train.

Frog thinks, "maybe Toad needs a good smack in the head!"

Frog has his Metrocard out before he reaches the turnstile so that he can go through and let the other nice cold-blooded critters behind him keep moving.

But slow-witted Toad waits until he's standing right in front of the turnstile, thereby blocking the way into the subway platform, before he even begins searching his pockets for his Metrocard, causing a bottleneck of angry commuters.

But when the next train finally arrives, the lackadaisical Toad suddenly becomes very impatient, and tries to barge into the subway car the instant the doors open, making it nearly impossible for exiting passengers to get off the train!

Some of these passengers get angry and push Toad out of their way. Others hurl insults at him. He doesn't get it -- he's just trying to get on the train, what's the big deal?

Meanwhile, the respectful Frog, who has waited for all exiting subway passengers to get off the train, finally enters the car, only to find big, fat Toad standing right inside the doors, blocking his entry!

Frog wonders why someone would do that, knowing there are a dozen or so people behind him who have to get on the train -- especially considering that there's plenty of room in the middle of the car!

Frog starts to get mad, and secretly hopes that the subway doors will open later when the train is in motion, causing Toad to fall to his death.

Finally the train is moving and Frog is on his way -- but darn the luck! It looks as if Toad is getting off at the very same stop as Frog, and Frog gets stuck walking behind him yet again. And it looks like some of Toad's asshole friends are sitting at the foot of the stairway leading out of the platform, almost completely blocking the way, at rush hour! Why would anyone do that?!

The normally easygoing Frog starts to get angry. Now he's stuck behind Toad again, as they climb the stairs -- oh so very slowly! -- that lead to the street. Toad is lazy and out of shape, and takes forever getting up the steps. The line of travelers behind him slow to a crawl.

"Oh well," Frog thinks, "once we get up to the street, I can get away from Toad and get on with my day."

But alas! -- when Toad finally reaches the top of the stairway, he stops in his tracks to check his cell phone, oblivious to the fact that there are a hundred people behind him! Does Toad think he is the only person in the whole world?!

"That's it!!" says Frog, now livid with rage. "I've HAD IT!!" Lunging forward, he gives Toad a good, hard push, sending the amphibian into the path of an oncoming bus.

As poor, clueless, surly, inconsiderate Toad perishes under the cruel wheels of the speeding vehicle, dozens of commuters cheer from the sidewalk. It is an ugly scene.

Frog is eventually convicted of toadslaughter, and spends the rest of life in prison (a mason jar with grass and sticks in it). Many say his crime was justified, and there are eyewitnesses who say they would have done the same thing. Over the years, Frog ultimately becomes an icon of vigilante justice among subway travelers.